PRIMED UP DAILY
July 24, 2026
Today’s Outlook
This week was an absolute bag of ass and trash from open to close, and today's not gonna be the day it magically fixes itself. The Fed's rate decision and another wave of earnings land next week, so anyone treating today like a normal Friday is setting themselves up to get run over. If you somehow made it through this dumpster fire green, protect your gains and find something else to do today.
If you do trade, go in expecting chop and volatility all day, more bullshit spewing out of DC, and more lies designed to fuck up your read on reality before the closing bell even rings. There is nothing genuinely positive happening in this country right now unless your name is Trump and you're personally profiting off the chaos he keeps lighting on fire, everyone else is just trying not to get burned.
Top Headlines
Stocks Puke & Puke Again, Because This Country is Run by Clowns
The Dow, S&P, and Nasdaq are trying to crawl off the floor after Thursday turned into a full on bloodbath, capping off a week that was already a shitshow before the market open even happened.
Tech got its ass kicked hardest. Tesla cratered 15% and Alphabet took a beating too, because turns out investors are getting sick of hearing “AI” as an excuse to torch billions with nothing to show for it.
Oil spiked to $112 on Middle East chaos then magically calmed down heading into the weekend, which is the same bullshit pattern every single week now. Manufacture the panic, cash in on the volatility, find more bullshit to fuck Americans with for next week.
China And Russia Tell Trump To Eat Shit
The US is on night thirteen of bombing Iran while the Houthis somehow found time to wave two Chinese oil tankers right through their own blockade, because apparently the blockade has exceptions when Beijing’s the customer.
Only one tanker made it through the Strait of Hormuz Thursday, the lowest in months, but China’s getting its crude anyway. Funny how that works.
Iran’s now taking its grievances straight to Russia and China at the Shanghai Cooperation meeting instead of playing Trump & Bibi’s bullshit ceasefire MOU game on repeat.
Google Prints Record Profit, Two Thirds Is Fake Ass Money
Alphabet posted $112.1 billion in quarterly profit, nearly four times what it made last year, but $77.1 billion of that is pure fucking pretend money, unrealized paper gains on investments they haven’t cashed out shit. It’s circular investment jacking itself off with zero actual results to show for it.
Meanwhile the real number, free cash flow, went negative $5.9 billion, the first red quarter since Google went public. The AI spending binge is now eating this company’s ass from the inside out.
Alphabet’s cranking 2026 capex up to $205 billion and investors weren’t buying the bullshit, they torched the stock almost 7% anyway. This entire AI arms race is an epic waste of money and time, and the rest of that cash is just gonna fall down the same endless pit everyone else’s is.
Trump's New Tariffs Hit Basically Everything You Own
Fresh tariffs up to 12.5% kicked in at midnight, slapping 99.4% of everything the US imports from 60 trading partners, because your grocery bill apparently wasn’t fucked enough at 10%.
The administration’s calling this the most sweeping labor rights action in US history, which is a real cute way to avoid admitting the old tariffs just expired and they slapped new ones on so Trump doesn’t have to eat the loss publicly. “We did this to avoid complexity” is the biggest load of horseshit spin of the week and that’s saying something.
We don’t have the capacity to make everything we consume and nobody’s paying extra for shitty ass US made garbage instead.
Even your stupid fucking red MAGA hat comes from China, so sit the fuck down and shut up with your fake America First tears, you cucked yourselves on this one and Trump’s the one holding the anal probe.
Corporate Heat
Bank of America (BAC): Bank of America passed the Fed’s stress tests and immediately gave shareholders a little payday with a 14% dividend hike to $0.32 per share, payable September 25. They also reminded everybody they’ve still got about $17 billion left in their $40 billion share buyback program. These guys are still throwing around cash like it’s nothing while half the banking sector is out here trying to convince everyone they aren’t one bad quarter away from eating shit.
